Author’s Note – All
characters & situations in this belong exclusively to myself &
darthelwig. However, the song is most
definitely not ours: “More Than
Words” belongs to Extreme. And a note of
some interest for anyone who’s read “What No One Knows” - Ghost is Huck’s son.
Also, you may notice
that my ‘name’ appears in this. Well, it
certainly isn’t a Mary Sue thing, I assure you – I took my pen name from the
character of mine & dart’s named Ghost Helwig. Because I just adore him. ^_^
Dedicated to quidditchbitch, because she requested this song in a fic
months ago & she puts up with my procrastinating self... Thank you, luv! I hope you like it. ^_^
Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.
-------
Torn In Two
by Ghost Helwig
-------
A
slender, bare foot tapped the ground. In
any other person it would be a sign of impatience – but this boy was simply
keeping time with the rhythm in his head, a habit inherited from his intensely
musical father. The young man approaching
him recognized the habit in the son as well as the father, and wondered idly if
anyone had ever pointed out how charming it was to either. Somehow, he doubted it.
“Saying I love you...”
He
stopped well away from the boy, taking a moment to simply observe, to
admire. The curve of a cheekbone, the
spun gold of the hair-
The
strange ice blue of the eyes that suddenly regarded him from beneath pale
lashes.
“I’ve
never known,” the boy whispered in his soft, musical voice, “why you stare
every time you see me.”
“...is
not the words I want to hear from you.”
Because you’re beautiful, the young man
thought but couldn’t say. He’d never be
believed anyway. He settled for saying,
“does it bother you?”
A shrug
of slight shoulders, a lowering of that intense gaze. And suddenly Tuck knew that he was the
farthest thing from Ghost’s mind.
“It's not that I want you...”
With a
small murmur of sympathy, Tuck asked, “he didn’t show, did he?”
Without
looking up from his glum contemplation of the ground, Ghost shook his head.
“No.”
“...not to say...”
Tuck
moved closer, wrapped his arms around Ghost’s slender form, which trembled and
shook against his. Years ago, Tuck thought sadly,
as much as this is killing him, I still would’ve given anything to see it
happen.
He felt
something soak into his shirt, and his own chest ached in sympathy. And
now...?
“...but if you only knew...”
I just wish Wood would stop
running away from him.
“How easy it would be to show me how you
feel...”
Through
the lump in his throat, Tuck whispered, “I’m sure he had his reasons,
Ghosty.” The words tasted sour in his
mouth, tasted like a lie. He felt Ghost
quiver against him, felt more than heard the words whispered into his ear.
“More
than words is all you have to do to make it real...”
“He had
reasons. He always has reasons. There are always reasons for staying away.”
“Then
you wouldn't have to say that you love me...”
Ghost
pulled away, and those pale eyes that Tuck had always loved were looking at
him, really looking at him, looking
at him so deeply, a look only Ghost’s eyes could ever pull off. Though everyone had always told Ghost his
eyes were his most spectacular feature, Tuck thought he was the only one who
knew why that was true – those eyes were not normal. They saw everything, just like the wondrous
brain that hid behind them.
And
yet.... He was being asked for an
answer, with that look. And he had no
idea what the question was.
His
ignorance must’ve shown, for Ghost’s mouth opened, emitting words that sounded
like tears.
“Why am
I never enough of a reason for someone to stay?”
“’Cause
I'd already know.”
In that
moment, Tuck killed Wood in his head, killed him a billion times over with a
rusty blade.
“What would you do if my
heart was torn in two?”
“You are, Ghost,” Tuck said, hating the hurt,
disbelieving look that passed over Ghost’s face. Determined, he forced himself to keep
speaking, though defending Wood went against everything inside him...
But this
wasn’t about Wood. This was about
Ghost. And there was nothing Tuck
wouldn’t do for him...
Even
lie.
“More
than words to show you feel...”
“Wood
just needs time to get over his issues.
You know him – slow as hell on the best of days. Once he starts feeling more like himself
again, and he and Andrea stop fighting so damn much, he’ll come back to
you. Doesn’t he always?”
Tuck
regretted the words the instant they left his mouth. Though Wood had occasionally been busy, with
school or basketball, he’d never been unavailable before. Not to Ghost.
He’d
never before abandoned his best friend.
“...that your love for me is
real...”
But
Ghost didn’t mention it, or reply at all.
He just pulled away completely, rubbing the last of his tears from his
eyes with his knuckles, like a child. In
some ways, Tuck knew that was exactly what he was – a young boy constantly
mystified by the hurtful ways of other people.
It pulled at him, moved him, but before he could do or say anything
Ghost was turning away.
“What
would you say if I took those words away...?”
“It
doesn’t matter,” he said. A lie of his
own.
“Then
you couldn't make things new...”
“Ghost,”
Tuck began, but Ghost was suddenly running, running away.
“Just
by saying...”
“I – I’m
here for you,” Tuck whispered.
“...’I love you.’”
They
were not the words Tuck wanted to say, but even if Ghost had stayed it wouldn’t
have mattered-
He was
not the one Ghost needed so badly to hear them from.
“More than words.”
-------
Rationalizations. Wood was very,
very good at them. For instance, he had
himself convinced that it was for his best friend’s own good that he stayed
away – when really, in his heart, Wood knew the real reason he couldn’t come
around.
It,
quite simply, hurt too much.
But though
he never said that aloud, Ghost knew, as everything hidden could never really
be hidden from him. To lie to Ghost you
had to believe the lie, and Wood’s lies were never good enough for even him to
believe them. So he lied, and Ghost knew
he lied, and against his better judgment Wood’s rebellious brain supplied him
with a memory to go along with his thoughts...
“Now I've tried to talk to
you...”
Ghost
was staring at him, pale hair drifting into eyes that were confused and
sorrowed. Wood was brushing him off yet
again, and that hurt, really hurt,
hurt more than the time he’d actually-
Wood
shoved the memory out of his head, shoving away his guilt and his pain along
with it.
“...and make you understand.”
Why
couldn’t Ghost see how much better he was, without him? And why was it so hard, to stay away?
And
above all-
Why was
it so easy for him to read the pain in Ghost’s eyes, when there shouldn’t be
any pain at all?
“All you have to do is close your eyes...”
If Ghost
would just try, Wood was sure he could forget him and move on. He could put all this behind him, find a new
best friend, be as happy as Wood wanted him to be-
But
Ghost could not close his eyes and let go.
He was not that kind of boy.
“And just reach out your hands...”
And
secretly, Wood didn’t want him to be.
“...and touch me...”
But he’d
done so much – to Ghost, to Ghost’s brother Baby, to his own wife – he couldn’t
see letting Ghost stay around him.
Even if
he missed him. Even if sometimes he knew
all he’d need to feel better would be for Ghost to hug him. Even if sometimes he felt completely bereft
and alone.
Even
then.
“Hold
me close...”
And even
when he knew he was breaking Ghost’s heart, it still seemed better than the
alternative.
No-
Especially then.
“...don't ever let me go.”
So he
let go of the only person who had never hurt him, had never demanded of him more
than he felt he could be – the only person who trusted his judgment enough to
let him get away with being so stupid.
Now there was an irony Wood didn’t care to
look at too closely.
“More
than words...”
But it hurt.
He said it to no one, not even his wife, but she knew. Andrea was a very smart girl. And she tried to talk to Wood, but in this he
was adamant – Ghost was better off without him.
Sometimes he told her he’d try to fix things, but he said it to placate
her - he never followed through. And he
never intended to.
All
because of a stupid mistake. All because
he’d been used. He’d ruined his relationship with Ghost by
violating him in the worst possible way...
No words
or deeds in the world could fix that.
“...is all I ever needed you to show...”
And
though Ghost had forgiven him easily, Wood could not forget.
“Then
you wouldn't have to say...”
He
looked up from staring morosely at his hands when he felt eyes on him,
unsurprised to find that they were Ghost’s.
The boy could walk softer than his namesakes, but his eyes – you knew
when they were focused on you. Wood
tried on a smile, but it didn’t fit right.
He
opened his mouth to speak, but there were no words inside him. He could offer Ghost absolutely nothing, now.
“...that you love me...”
But
Ghost, tired of this, tired of everything, broke his own code of silence when
it came to pushing issues he knew someone didn’t want to discuss, letting his
mind and heart spill forth and demand resolution.
“I love
you, Wood,” he began.
“...’cause
I'd already know...”
Wood
flinched inside, jerked away. But Ghost
only came closer, determined to see this through to the doubtlessly bitter
end. He had changed, since his husband
had come into his life, and Wood flinched again upon realizing that it was only
now that he’d been around Ghost long enough to realize that.
“What would you do if my heart was torn in
two...?”
“You’re breaking
my heart, Wood,” Ghost whispered. “And I
don’t even know why.”
Wood’s
shoulders twitched, and what looked like a shrug was in actuality him holding
himself back from grabbing the obviously upset Ghost and holding him close in a
long-overdue hug. But though Ghost
must’ve known that was what that had been, he forced himself to go on, to say
what he needed to say even if it killed them both.
“I miss
you. I need you. You and me – we
were supposed to live out our futures together.
Live side by side, raise our kids together – I think
But in
the time they’d been apart Ghost’s vivid, honest eyes had learned to lie. Wood couldn’t see anything in the icy depths
besides his own reflection.
“More than words to show you feel...”
“Do you
care?” Ghost suddenly asked. “When you
look at me – do you care? Do you feel...
anything?”
“That your love for me is real.”
“You
know I do,” Wood replied automatically.
The words came easy – he’d said them so many times before. “I love you, you know that. And I’ll try to be around more. I just-“
A
never-before-seen glare from brilliant blue eyes shut him up instantly.
“What would you say if I took those words away...?”
“Say
something else,” Ghost blurted. “I’m
tired of those words. If all you can do
is speak, please – at least speak the truth.”
As Wood
stared in surprise, Ghost’s gaze fell to the floor.
“You
know... you know how I feel about lies.”
“Then
you couldn't make things new...”
Wood
continued staring, wondering silently if he could actually do what Ghost asked
of him. Ghost asked for things so
rarely, would suffer in silence if he wasn’t prodded and pushed... And surely he owed Ghost the truth, owed him
so much...
”...just
by saying...”
He
stared at his best friend, at the long blond hair and the big blue eyes, the
looks that came from his father. At the
defiantly bare feet and gentle way of holding himself, the mannerisms that came
from his mother. At the beautiful face
and long fingers and delicate lips he knew so well because Ghost had been his
best friend for the whole of his life, the person who stood beside him when no
one else could see his worth. He owed
this boy everything.
And in
the end...
All he
could give him was silence.
“‘I
love you’...”
Ghost’s
head cocked to one side, as though he listened to sounds only he could hear, heard
more in the silence than the nothing Wood thought he was giving. But in the end, all he did was smile with
frowning lips and wretched eyes, and walk away.
And Wood
let him.